Why Am I Doing This?

April 2, 2009 ·

So when I was offered a blog spot I was excited but at the same time I was scared. I love to write and I’m pompous enough to believe that others give a shit about what I have to say. There’s a lot on my mind especially with everything going on this past year.

As of this month, April , I will have been transitioning for a year. It’s been a um… very interesting year. One full of heartaches and good surprises. Every once in a while I’ve asked myself. “why am I doing this?” I’m someone that has had so much tragedy and abuse in my life growing up, that as an adult I try to avoid conflict and stress. Just had enough of it for a lifetime. Yet here I am, inviting in a life that will have ostracized from family and friends. A life that almost guarantees me a hard time getting jobs. A life that kind of leaves me a second class citizen.

The answers though are always the same. This is the only life I can live. I can’t any longer stand being uncomfortable looking at myself in the mirror. Being a fraud to my friends and love ones. I was tired of seeing other women just living their lives and being filled with such jealousy, anger and depression. More importantly, I’m doing this because I have a reason to be happy.

But why write a blog? I have no idea. Maybe to express myself about my life and what I see going around me. I see a lot injustice and the more voices out there crying fowl and letting others know of this the closer we are at have equality for all. Does this make any sense? Who knows.

Next Post

Embracing Trans Diversity is not a Luxury

Over the 12 years of living my life as Monica, I have been privileged to learn many things about the TBLG community, but mostly about the trans community. The biggest lesson in my short life as a woman has been…
Read
Previous Post

West Side Story Activism, Utah's GLBT Rights, and the Coming Tranny Apocalypse!

We discussed the pretty people in activism, Christian hatred of queer people, and changing the gender binary. The videos and web links used in the production of this vlog are below: India Transgender candidate Transgender to face BJP chief in…
Read
Random Post

Update: Facebook Ban and Lost Corporation Status of "Ticked-Off Trannies" Film

I recently tried to post an update on Facebook to the story ran on Transadvocate on Monday (March 22, 2010) titled: Tribeca Film Festival Promotes Exploitation of Transgender People and got the following: I then was auto-logged out and when…
Read
Random Post

Fear and our Future

Today’s show focuses on dealing with fear, both personally and as a community. Moreover, we present an audio essay performance piece titled The Real Housewives of Gilead: The Handmaid’s Tale isn’t as Fictional as you Thought. On the Pod: Cristan…
Read
Random Post

The Dirty Dozens

Hillary Clinton is going to be the next President of the United States and look at all the trans friendly people who are endorsing her campaign. Can you imagine endorsing a candidate that doesn't support gays and lesbians? Why not?…
Read
Random Post

The Irresistible Temptation:Exploiting Our Dead

Last year I wrote Photo Ops, Donations, And The Selling of Our Dead, when the Human Rights Campaign tried to hijack the Washington D.C. Transgender Day of Remembrance. To refresh your memory, the founder of the Transgender Day of Remembrance,…
Read
  1. It’s not all about wearing dresses,for me. Oh.. It is a wonderful feeling, Yes, but knowing in my heart and soul that I feel right with it and seeing the real Me.
    I have to laugh at myself sometimes because, boys clothes don’t bother me that much, it’s when I wear a flannel shirt or jeans I think it’s a lot like the “Tomboy Girl” thing. Regardless of what I am wearing… I’m still the girl underneath it all. I see things here where I live and it’s not all about wearing dresses all the time,I see the “big picture” as all the other girls and Woman dress and there not like that everyday,they dress in comfortable clothes and still look good. Just as I do. Asking myself “Why”? I have gotten over asking that question to myself. Is SRS, the “golden Ring” at the end of the ride that I have to reach for before the carousel stops? And I have to get off ! Walk away…a winner or a loser? That’s where My Question lies. Am I or will I be that much less of a Transsexual Woman without the golden Ring? Or have I accomplished or achieved who I really am as a person. The “Woman within”, the answer is “Yes”.

  2. It’s not all about wearing dresses,for me. Oh.. It is a wonderful feeling, Yes, but knowing in my heart and soul that I feel right with it and seeing the real Me.
    I have to laugh at myself sometimes because, boys clothes don’t bother me that much, it’s when I wear a flannel shirt or jeans I think it’s a lot like the “Tomboy Girl” thing. Regardless of what I am wearing… I’m still the girl underneath it all. I see things here where I live and it’s not all about wearing dresses all the time,I see the “big picture” as all the other girls and Woman dress and there not like that everyday,they dress in comfortable clothes and still look good. Just as I do. Asking myself “Why”? I have gotten over asking that question to myself. Is SRS, the “golden Ring” at the end of the ride that I have to reach for before the carousel stops? And I have to get off ! Walk away…a winner or a loser? That’s where My Question lies. Am I or will I be that much less of a Transsexual Woman without the golden Ring? Or have I accomplished or achieved who I really am as a person. The “Woman within”, the answer is “Yes”.

  3. It’s good to ask yourself the “why” question. I had my surgery in Nov 2005. I know that I cant count the times that I would sit down in the boiler room at work asking myself, why are you doing this Is this the right thing to do? I ran this through my head what seemed like thousands of times. I always came to the same answer. going through withtransition and finally surgery is something that needs to be right. It is a huge decision. asking “Why” is just the right thing to do. Best of luck and best wishes to all.

  4. It’s good to ask yourself the “why” question. I had my surgery in Nov 2005. I know that I cant count the times that I would sit down in the boiler room at work asking myself, why are you doing this Is this the right thing to do? I ran this through my head what seemed like thousands of times. I always came to the same answer. going through withtransition and finally surgery is something that needs to be right. It is a huge decision. asking “Why” is just the right thing to do. Best of luck and best wishes to all.

  5. I read your post,found it interesting to read,indeed. And I can…relate to your feelings as what your saying as well. I too..have been…transitioning for quite sometime now. Since the year 2002. And it has been quite a rollercoaster (ride) journey indeed,to say the least. And I did start at a late date in my life as well. Transitioning during my work career, DOD. And right along side (male) co-workers too on top of it all ! You want to talk about…”stress” and “conflict”… I have a whole basket full of it for you. And there is the “Family ” thing thrown in there as well. Oh ! I will tell you this,My Dear young Sister, “Hang In Their !”
    ” Don’t Give Up ! ” No matter how hard it may seem to you or how difficult it looks at times, You keep on keep’in on ! You are No Longer a fraud to your Loved ones or your friends, what you are is: “True to Yourself” and be proud of that …No matter what they say or do to you, you hold up your head and walk tall and stand straight. Because it’s all for you and about you,as the person you are.
    You no longer live a lie…to yourself or anyone else. ” To Thine own self be true” . Stay Safe Little Sister, may your Journey be a Success.
    Sincerely, LindaMarie

  6. I read your post,found it interesting to read,indeed. And I can…relate to your feelings as what your saying as well. I too..have been…transitioning for quite sometime now. Since the year 2002. And it has been quite a rollercoaster (ride) journey indeed,to say the least. And I did start at a late date in my life as well. Transitioning during my work career, DOD. And right along side (male) co-workers too on top of it all ! You want to talk about…”stress” and “conflict”… I have a whole basket full of it for you. And there is the “Family ” thing thrown in there as well. Oh ! I will tell you this,My Dear young Sister, “Hang In Their !”
    ” Don’t Give Up ! ” No matter how hard it may seem to you or how difficult it looks at times, You keep on keep’in on ! You are No Longer a fraud to your Loved ones or your friends, what you are is: “True to Yourself” and be proud of that …No matter what they say or do to you, you hold up your head and walk tall and stand straight. Because it’s all for you and about you,as the person you are.
    You no longer live a lie…to yourself or anyone else. ” To Thine own self be true” . Stay Safe Little Sister, may your Journey be a Success.
    Sincerely, LindaMarie

  7. It’s something I wrestle with every day. Living the comfortable lie vs the perilous truth. Some – many? – can endure the profound compromise. Some of us can’t.

  8. It’s something I wrestle with every day. Living the comfortable lie vs the perilous truth. Some – many? – can endure the profound compromise. Some of us can’t.

Leave a comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.