After a three month self-imposed hiatus, I’m back.  A bout of depression and physical fatigue was wiping me out and gave me pause.  After my friend Lisa Gilinger noted my recent inability to write about what I was feeling, and realizing my attempt to rid the blues cycle had little beneficial effect, it was obvious my pulling back wasn’t helping me.

So I restart on, of all days, Halloween.  And tonight’s subject, something I’d recently learned about, is quite appropriate: Vampires.

Recently I’d watched an episode on the History Channel on the myths, legends and facts on vampirism.  Everyone knows about vampires from popular culture.  There are lifestyle vampires who are into the role-playing and the gothic fashion and even living it as a permanent style.  There are also the most commonly known sanguine vampires – those who actually drink blood (though the attacks and neck-biting tend to be more the stuff of novels and movies.)

There is also a lesser-known category called psychic vampires (psi-vamps for short).  Unlike sanguine vampires, they don’t suck blood.  Instead, they feed off of others’ life energy – they suck souls.  To my surprise, it made was eerily familiar to how I’d been feeling for quite a number of years.

Psychic vampires, when you come into contact with them, don’t stand out in any physical way.  Rather, they usually have magnetic personalities but can otherwise appear rather ordinanry.  They seek out vibrant, energetic, creative or hyper individuals or crowds of energetic people.

Per Michelle Belanger’s book “Codex: A Manual of Magick and Energy Work,” psychic vampires are unable to generate their own “life force,” and must feed off of others, not just as an ability, but as a necessity.   Feeding can cause an amphetamine like rush and most psychic vampires report to get greatly invigorated physically and psychologically.  If unable to feed on others, symptoms of “energy deprivation” include extreme fatigue, depression, mood swings and immune system suppression.

While there are different types of psi-vamps such as elemental and symbiotic, emotional vampires only feed on certain emotions others elicit.

Usually, the negative psi-vamps will exert a strong mental control on the victim, and do as much as possible to provoke feelings of distress, shame, and sorrow.  These types exhibit a seemingly insatiable need for conquest and, as such, an endless appetite for drawing energy from others – in essence, a Type A, uber-competitive version of a psychic vampire.

Sound familiar?

“Set all on ‘rave on,’ let’s see some action.
We’re gonna shine on, get satisfaction.
I am the singer.  I take control.
I point the finger.  I take your soul….
This is the only way to feel!”   — Freedom No. 5, Scorpio Rising

While I’ve never given much belief in vampirism, it’s certainly coincidental that the trans community with all its initial energy and talent typically ends up burning out quickly, leaving us with husks of former leaders.  While many gay and lesbian leaders have long, productive careers and lives, typically only the rare trans individual manages to survive similarly.

Historically, only two of the Trans community’s political leaders come to mind in a similar vein.  And typically, most of the folks these two meet, work with briefly or for a period of time, end up feeling completely depleted (physically, financially or spiritually) after.  Ironically, the older activist of the two is the inspiration and example for the protégée who only popped up in this decade, and who’s now overtaken and even fed upon and conquered her mentor.

It’s a rough world out there: feed or get fed upon.

Curses are something I don’t believe in either, yet the consistent pattern since my own reversal of fortunes beginning on Jan. 1, 2003, and the consistent string of horrific luck often makes me wonder if curses actually do exist, and are possible reason for my own situation.  While I’ve personally hung in for over thirteen years, my situation is only agonizing refusal to give up.  My tenacity’s come at a huge financial, spiritual, physical and emotional toll, though.  Thus, the last-legs level depression.  There’s virtually nothing left.

Incidentally it’s occurring on a constant and ever-widening basis throughout the community.  Our community’s historical leadership appear to be dropping like flies, and its draining effects over time are pretty consistently noticeable.
Dr. Judith Orloff identifies several profiles of psychic, or in her terminology, “energy vampires”:

The Sob Sister who always considers her/himself the victim. The world is always against them and they’ll recount every horrible thing that has happened, wallowing in every perceived slight and whining all the time.

The Charmer, a constant talker or joke-teller who has to be the center of attention ad-nauseam.

The Blamer who cuts you down with criticism doling out endless servings of guilt.

The Drama Queen who lives in extremes of emotion with life being unbelievably good or horrifically bad and wearing you out while blabbing on and on and on.

Psychic vampires have various ways of sucking your energy.  Sometimes it can merely be a casual contact, but they also have the ability to reach their victims long distance through anything from phone calls, to dreams, to even visualization (essentially meditating and seeing themselves drawing the energy from a vibrant individual into themselves and feeling the increase in power and invigoration.) Effects on the people they drain might include: depression, fatigue, or loss of energy when people are around you, people sometimes avoiding you or withdrawing from you for no apparent reason, or people giving you harsh feedback about your alleged neediness, clingyness, intrusiveness or negativity.

Negative comments are very efficient at draining the life right out of you. ‘You can’t do that; you should do this; are you living in wonderland?” are all very effective at bringing you down.  “What’s wrong with you? You are bad” – are (psychic) vampire tools that make you feel weak and small even if you are robust and tall.</blockquote>Indeed I’m fully familiar with the chorus of steady criticisms beginning in 2000 on, beginning with the constant negative feedback from HRC folks to the latter trans community leader, post-GenderPAC schism.  It was well-orchestrated and made for a nice echo chamber effect of cast suspicion and dubious intent on anyone in the ragtag activist element in the Trans Community.

It never abated and instead continues to crescendo even now from most of the very same parties and even some newer psi-vamp entries into the game.  Just recently, none other than Mara Keisling passed along a typical comment to Ethan St. Pierre, declaring grassroots activism “dead.”  It drew a rather emotionally rancorous response from Ethan, and he’s now paying a price most severe as the retribution is continuing to mutate and virally grow like an old 50’s era horror movie monster.

Yes folks, while Count Dracula may be figment of a novelist’s imagination it appears that at least psychic vampires are for real.  And it appears the active members of the Trans community are all part of a mass psi-vamp feeding frenzy.

Google psychic vampires and read up on them, as well as how to keep them from depleting you and pulling you down.  Break their cycle of usurpation.

Oh!  And eat lots of garlic!

“It was enough to make an old world monster go back into the earth, this stunning irrelevance to the mighty scheme of things, enough to make him lie down and weep.”   — The Vampire Lestat by Anne Rice

Well it didn’t take long for responses to my last blog. One person wrote me privately saying she was disappointed I didn’t “understand” how “serious” the Pam’s House Blend controversy was and that I should’ve “come down harder” on her and Autumn Sandeen for these bannings or muzzlings they enacted on their trans “members and bloggers.” Then on my posting I had a response from another suggesting I sit down with Mara and patch up philosophical differences, noting she was “not a card carrying member” of either of our organizations … preferring to contribute to NGLTF because “they promote trans-inclusion.”

Two completely different perspectives saying roughly the same thing: we need to make things work in gay and lesbian organizations or functions for us in order to make gay and lesbian led-groups succeed. Talk about your WTF moments! Perhaps my point in the previous blog wasn’t clear enough.

Let me restate that point: we need our voice and for that matter autonomy, respect, experience, and control of our own destiny without shackles or limitations placed on us just as they need theirs. They have theirs already. Where do you see ours in any similar measure? It doesn’t happen within GLBT. And outside GLBT we get a little awareness, but most of our own seems more than happy to build up the very gay and lesbian institutions while leaving the trans ones in neglect!

How do I need to rephrase this in order for our own community to understand? Maybe I do suffer from the communication disability that the G&L leaders so famously peg on us all. Lord knows trans people can’t articulate our own issues, but let me know what I need to do to get this out and I’ll struggle my way through it!

In 2000, during a visit at the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) with Michael Gray and Alex Fox, I’d expressed how I personally didn’t have a problem with them leaving the T out of their mission statement and their work. Yes, I meant every word of it. HRC was – is – the voice of the gay and lesbian community and Trans wasn’t their forte. We in the T community needed our own voice, and needed it expressed from our perspective just as they needed and had theirs.

In the next two years, they first amended their mission, then worked with a new upstart individual to create another Trans organization that would supplant NTAC and its independent voice. This new group would help them by humiliating those of us who weren’t working “with our (so-called) allies,” and isolating those of us trans people who apparently weren’t our own allies for wanting to speak to our own issues. It was better addressed by the “allies” as their “professionals” and by this logic knew our own issues and could address them better than we did. HRC was “the 800 lb. gorilla in the room … (that) must be dealt with.”

Even after the new group moved away from being such fans of HRC, they still had to be friends with them as they “had to work in the same space.”

That latter sentiment is pure BS. None of these so-called allies is required to “work in the same space” as NTAC or other Trans organizations kept out of the mainstream of the entitled Queer movement. None of them have ever gone through “proper channels” on anything with us, not even any of the newer Trans organizations now or in the future. Why lend credibility to any of that?

“I would like to be open with the public. I would like to not keep secrets or be careful when I talk. I don’t want to have to plan things…I want to be outspoken. I want to say my opinions and I hope they’re taken in the right way. I don’t want to stop being free. And I won’t.” — actress, Angelina Jolie

Gay and Lesbian America are quite well established and are perfectly positioned for, and awash in successful ventures. They even have us (with our limited resources) giving them a hand to build up theirs.

Now take a look at Trans America and our own ventures. Where in the hell do you see anything of theirs reciprocated back to us in whatever configuration? There is no similar effort to build our functions nor any dollar-for-dollar return on funding, much much much less anything commensurate (considering the size of their community comparative to our small and quite limited cumulative income levels between our two communities).

And after so many years of demonstrated history, noticing the all-too-obvious patterns, we trans people are insistent upon building up gay and lesbian institutions for what again? Their outspoken leaders are ballyhooed and given prominence. Our outspoken leaders are shamed into silence – and they even enlist some of our own to assist in doing so!

It’s been clear to many of us for most of this decade that there’s nothing in this “LGBT movement” for Trans folk. We’re appends that they begrudge but tolerate as they must appear politically correct. So these leaders do enough for appearance’s sake, manage us best as they can and seek out ways to make it pay for itself.

Their leaders are heroes. Our leaders are zeroes – mere trash to be tossed. Not much unlike how Sylvia Rivera and Marsha P. Johnson were considered back in their day, as only in death were they fondly remembered. We’re every bit as useful and wanted to them as sand off the beach tracked into their shiny vehicles.

Make no mistake: Sylvia and many of the trans leaders and rioters of those days despise the movement for its hypocrisy and hard-heartedness. And though we must recapture our own voice, our outspoken leadership are and will continue to be as welcomed and as necessary as sand tracked into their vehicle after coming in off of the beach.

As Barney Frank, the Big Gay Man On The Hill, has noted so many times: they don’t know who [trans] are. And as it’s always a Barney, or a Joe Solmonese or a Matt Foreman or a Rea Carey or a GLAAD or someone similar who’s always our prominent face to the rest of the world in politics, media and representation, that’s who America will always believe we are.

And yes, in case you haven’t noticed, they’re all gay or lesbian. And yes, if that’s who some of you trans folks wish to build up and promote, then I don’t want to hear a word when we get ditched (due to insufficient education on Trans) and subsequently assumed and developed as a future cottage industry for these very same folks to continue validating themselves while continuing to keep us at bay and voiceless. Look around your NGLTF: how many trans people have they hired onto their staff historically? How many in any of these groups were leaders or highly visible throughout the years? If you can’t answer those questions, then you haven’t been paying attention anyway.

“All people saw on television were a few of my outspoken supporters out front; and they came away thinking that was me.” — Sen. George McGovern about his presidential campaign in 1972

Ten years ago, I was one of the so-called “moderate voices of reason.” My goal was to try to get us to some understanding of the needs of both sides and get these established groups to understand us as equals and to forge actual egalitarian ideals in our pursuit of rights as painlessly as possible. For my troubles, I ended up being written off as a radical protester and an enemy to be isolated and buried a few years hence. Yes I was naive and paid a price most severe.

Well, I’m not buried any more, and am in no mind to play “compromising” games that again rip our voices away from us. Giving up your right to voice your displeasure is and absolute zero sum game. You get less than nothing: helping them make their job easier is your only result.

Meanwhile, the State of Massachusetts announced today that they are suing the federal government over same-sex marriage and DOMA’s infringement over the their state law per federalism. Meanwhile, trans people in that same state still have no hate crimes protection, no employment non discrimination and few if any job prospects. So do you think our voices have been heard? Do you really think that we actually matter? Or maybe fear and poverty aren’t so bad, hmm?

This deep-seated mistrust of G&L institutions and functions didn’t form in a vacuum and didn’t happen overnight. This has been roiling underneath for quite some time. And it’s about to boil over….

“When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose.” — Like A Rolling Stone, Bob Dylan

Cross posted from Transpolitical

As I intermittently work on this blog the day before the trial begins for the murder of Lateisha Green (fka: Moses Cannon), I’m thankful for a few things. First of all, the District Attorneys appear to be taking an aggressive approach to prosecuting this case. This is much better than many cases where trans victims of murder are African American, or to a slightly lesser extent other ethnic minorities. The second thing I’m thankful for is that Teish, as she’s referred to by friends and family, has a family that loved and supported her death after her death as well as (to what extent I can tell) before her murder as well. Teish’s family are actively involved in monitoring and pressing for justice for her.

That latter fact – the family’s involvement – cannot be dismissed. In all of the cases I’ve noted over the decade plus of hate crimes our community has lived through, the supportive family – especially parents who refuse to accept dismissive investigation and prosecution – make the most notable difference in successfully bringing these cases to light and to justice in the court system.

Additionally, I’m happy to hear that there is a good amount of pre-trial publicity getting out there, thanks to the initial work of the TransGriot blog by Monica Roberts (one of NTAC’s co-founders and former board members). Additionally there’s some of our folks on the ground to monitor and tweet the ongoing court proceedings: both Gay & Lesbian Alliance for Anti-Defamation (GLAAD) and especially the Transgender Legal Defense & Education Fund (TLDEF) will be there. Having our watchers there is a reminder to the court and prosecutors to keep it on the up and up.

Another thing I’m grateful for is that her killer was known, and quickly tracked down and arrested. Far too often, most especially in cases where it’s a trans woman of color who nearly always gets the automatic presumption that “she was a sex-worker” from authorities, there is a rather lax attitude about bringing their murderers to justice.

Murders aren’t only illegal if they occur to non-minority, and especially non-trans people. It’s supposed to be “blind justice.” We’re taught to expect “equal justice” in our democratic system. Far too often, we get neither. Why is it that our community and our families are practically required to ride herd over the investigative and judicial process in order to ensure no apathy that sets in?

At least the tools are in place to make this a successful prosecution for justice. The DA’s office has even filed hate crime charges against Teish’s killer. That said, I’m fairly certain that hate crime violations will be sacrificed in order to get a full sentence for the murder.

It’s not that I don’t believe there was no hate crime committed – there was. The problem is that New York State’s hate crime coverage for transgender victims. As I learned from Houston’s Harris County’s D.A. office years ago, prosecutors will not push for charges or convictions on laws that aren’t explicitly on the book (as is the case in both Texas and New York).

The reasoning as explained to me, beyond Texas’ conservative narrow-minded approach to law, is that if there is a charge and eventual conviction on a law that isn’t explicitly on the books, it opens the door for challenging later in a retrial. All it takes is a sharp-eyed defense attorney (or even a jailhouse lawyer who has nothing better to do with all his incarcerated time than to file challenges, and sometimes effective ones.) Nevertheless, I see it as a good strategy to use this now at this stage of the trial, especially if they can get a solid plea deal from the defense. It indicates the D.A. in this case wants to send a message that a victim who is Trans deserves the same level of sentencing that a non-Trans victim would.

And therein lies my beef. New York has had over six years since SONDA and the infamous “promise” form Empire State Pride Agenda’s then-executive director, Matt Foreman (who shortly thereafter escaped to a nice reward: Executive Director of the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force – NGLTF). In the years since, that promise (to place GENDA and Hate Crimes on the forefront of ESPA’s agenda) has been of as much value as a three-dollar bill.

These rights should’ve been extended by now in so-called “liberal” New York. But they haven’t. It sends the country a clear message: their Trans citizens are less than everyone else in the Empire State. Trans people are not human (or certainly not human enough to be covered by their human rights laws)! The bottom line is this: New York’s legislators are being either lazy or cowardly, or a combination of the two. And every year that passes since their executive director Foreman’s promise helps further cement ESPA’s legacy of unconcerned deceit.

If they don’t like it, do something concrete to address it. Otherwise, live with it.

Now I’m fully aware that not all groups support Hate Crimes bills. The Sylvia Rivera Law Project came out with a statement earlier this year declaring their opposition (not a misprint) of the GENDA bill as it included hate crimes enhancement provisions, which they oppose. In one sense, I can understand their position.

However they also overlook one glaring point: there is no parity in sentencing in general. It’s especially so when the victims are non-white, and most certainly so when the victims are transgender women who typically have their lives completely debased, sliced, diced and offered up to the point of virtually slanderous claims of lascivious prostitutes and sexual freaks while the defense is cross-examining and pressing the defendant’s case (which is what they get paid to do). Other than the Angie Zapata trial, there has rarely if ever been equitable sentencing for those convicted of murdering Trans women. And to believe that there is no difference between a simple murder of a Trans woman (such as over a debt or a simple quarrel) and the murder of a Trans woman because of the homo- or transphobic connotations – not to mention the perception by many in society, even in New York’s legislature – that we are lesser human creatures, tacitly implying that no one will care for us simply strains the limits of credibility to its break point.

Until there is equitable sentencing, until there is equal consideration for the lives of all victims regardless of race, class or Trans status, until there is demonstrated action in treating murderers of Trans women or Trans men as the murderers they are, and not allowing the a bit of leeway because, “hey! She’s just a tranny, probably with a sordid past and who cares about them?” … until we reach that day where I don’t have questions about the message they send to all of society about us by their light treatment of our victims, I’m firmly standing on the side of enacting hate crime coverage for gender identity, and prosecuting to enhance it everywhere it is applicable.

And if people have problems with it, well … there’s a simpler solution! Simply work to dismantle all other coverage for hate crime enhancement based upon race, religion, gender, sexual orientation and the like! See if you don’t get a rise out of them when you attempt this! And explain to them that it’s an unfair law, and ask their sentiments on whether or not they feel sentencing has always been just when their own community was attacked in such incidences.

Meanwhile, we’re mourning in America. Yet another young, unrealized potential … another African-American woman who happened to be Trans … is gone. And it’s just one more name on the litany of lost lives among Trans women of color. Something needs to be done to stop this pattern of hate and violence.

Doing nothing and accepting things as they are just isn’t going to cut it. I’ll care about our attackers sentences or the hurt feelings of legislators or our political leaders once they first start caring about the sanctity of our lives.

“Here’s another point in life you should not miss:
Don’t be a fool who’s prejudice,
Because we’re all written down on the same list.” — It’s Like That, Run-D.M.C.

It was one for the ages. Forty years after Stonewall, to the day (with an additional 12 hours added) … we found ourselves marching down Fifth Avenue through downtown New York and cutting a path directly through Greenwich Village and right down Christopher Street in front of the Stonewall Inn where the riots – the flashpoint for the organized Gay Rights Movement around the world – began.

Marching through this parade, in the very same New York, with a banner for the contingent noting “Sons and Daughters of Sylvia Rivera” on this anniversary was inspiring. The roar of the crowd as we passed, especially throughout Greenwich Village, was absolutely deafening! My ears were literally ringing afterwards.

In so many ways this was an event to remember! As Sylvia Rivera recalled saying that night of the riots, “I’m not missing this for the world!”

Privately, it was also a trying and disappointing result. I knew it would be a logistical task coordinating something in a locale hundreds or thousands of miles away. But this one was a bit more “Murphy’s Law”-like than most others. Everything that could go wrong ….

The banner people were nothing but a mass of confusion, and the banner had to be sent to Mona Rae’s house in Yonkers NY as I was afraid I wouldn’t receive it until after my flight to NYC. I literally picked up the banner at a drop off point on Friday in Manhattan just a few minutes before the Trans Day of Action after criss-crossing the town to pick up poster boards (which were shipped late) after a speech out in far East New York, and dropping those off in Hoboken where I was staying! Between that, crossed wires, lost items, help arriving too late to be of any good, a subway weekly pass that arbitrarily stopped working and family and personal issues to deal with long-distance while in New York, it was, um, interesting!

Coordinating things in your back yard is simply stressful. Coordinating things 1500 miles away tends to border on madness.

We were also unsuccessful in getting the Stonewall Girls to the 40th anniversary. One showed interest but the other two didn’t. As one noted, there was far too much bad blood over how she and the other trans folk were treated to gloss over it. For a lot of old-line trans members, there’s nothing to really celebrate and much more to mourn or stew over.

We had participants cancelling due to health reasons (theirs and their spouses), even a group cancelling while en route due to a communter train’s power outage! We had a number of confirmed attendees who simply didn’t make it; no idea why, just no-shows. Locally, even though I made the circuit to promote, we didn’t draw any from those, save for five from Mid-Hudson Valley Trans Assn. up in the Kingston / Poughkeepsie region.

That said, we did get Alyssa Harley (who’s taken pains to remember Sylvia Rivera every year by attaching red roses to the lamppost at Sylvia Rivera Way.) Both she and Breanna Smith helped lead our contingent and worked their asses off to stir the crowd. Jamie Dailey who made it down from Connecticut also gets props for working the crowd and for her help on the banner preparation on Pride day.

We also brought in a couple of the old Transy House crew: Rusty Mae Moore and Jamie Hunter. It was great seeing them again and especially marching as the Sons & Daughters of Sylvia Rivera. In fact, Jamie even brought her boyfriend Michael Gredowski, a brand new straight ally. Rusty originally wasn’t sure that she could make it through the entire length of the parade route, but I noted admirably that she was just as energetic, holding her sign high above her head and stirring the crowd even at the very end of Christopher Street! Meanwhile Jamie did her own tribute to Sylvia Rivera by marching the entire route in heels (amazingly!) and was leading our contingent running and stirring the crowd herself. Michael, who stood in as our “Son” portion of the “Sons & Daughters” absolutely kicked butt and really got into the march himself.

Special thanks go out to both Jamie Hunter and Michael for all their help during and especially before and after the parade. They were indefatigable assistants that really helped make this succeed. In fact, with all the complications and potential to fall flat on our face, our team made it look effortless and successful!

We later had another older latino man (not even sure that he was gay) who joined us from the sidelines on the banner as our second “adopted” son of Sylvia, ha! We even had a couple other latinas join us as well! We were pulling people in from the crowd – it seemed everyone wanted to be part of the Sons & Daughters of Sylvia Rivera!

The Sons & Daughters of Sylvia Rivera garnered a lot of attention from photo journalists and the crowd itself! However, I believe I overestimated its importance to the Trans Community. While Sylvia herself was around and had her voice, people listened. However, she’s been gone for over seven years now. Most of the newer trans community members either don’t know of her or the history, or they are busy making their own individual history and doing and participating in their own ventures. Rather than one group, we’re now spreading out into hundreds of groups and individually expressing our own perspectives.

“I just can’t do what I done before,
I just can’t beg you any more.
I’m gonna let you pass and I’ll go last.
Then time will tell just who fell
And who’s been left behind,
When you go your way and I go mine.” — Most Likely You’ll Go Your Way And I’ll Go Mine, Bob Dylan

This is a good thing. However there is also a downside to that dispersal. As we all know after hearing it from Barney Frank or other gay and lesbian critics of the Trans movement, people “don’t know” us, and we’re “a very small segment” of the community. The message has always been that Trans people are an infinitesimally small portion of the greater Queer (originally Gay) movement. Between the stigma of Trans and being out about it, and the compulsion to do our own thing, it’s tough to gather trans folks in numbers adequate enough to make a statement to gay and lesbian leaders and the world that we’re not tiny, insignificant and doomed to utter obscurity.

At the risk of sounding like a skipping record, I can’t stress the need for quantifying numbers of us. We need to establish our population and our income (especially lack thereof). Its needed not just for demographics for political attention, but even afterwards to establish our market share (the key to corporate funding for things Trans the way even the gay and lesbian and all other segments are able to draw.)

And again, these numbers will help us actually steal back our own voice (which is increasingly being co-opted and capitalized on of late). It’s about the only thing we ever really had in the Trans community was our voice and it appears others think we’ve abdicated it. When you sit back and let anyone represent you, you end up with the type of governance or oversight you deserve.

Even while I was up in New York, there was an apparent dust up between trans folks and others on Pam’s House Blend which ended up resulting in a number of people being censored or banned (I’m not sure which). There was a noticeable hue and cry over it all with folks complaining about the list’s owner and the uneven treatment. But a reminder: it’s Pam Spaulding’s list, she’s not a trans person and she can do whatever the hell she feels like with her blog (emphasis on “her blog”). If she wishes to ban trans people, it’s her blog! She has the autonomy to do so.

If we trans readers disagree, well then, start your own. Nobody should think that anything trans that’s valid must come from an entity that is always led and/or created by a gay or lesbian. Similarly anything that was created and that provides autonomy to trans people should not be quashed simply because it isn’t led or created by gay or lesbian leaders who then choose the agenda and represent the de facto face of the trans community. TransAdvocate is attempting to do that right now.

Yet too many of us end up contributing to building up gay and lesbian-led institutions as “they’re our allies” and end up watering down or thwarting our own voice in order for some perceived considerations or reward. Maybe that worked adequately for Mara Keisling or a few select folks from the NCTE ilk. For the rest of us there is absolutely nothing gained — it’s an absolute net loss. All we do is water down our own numbers, our own voice and our own efficacy. We must get out there and actively take control of our own fate, lest we end up not even being the face of our own community.

“You know, with all the press releases you do, people think that it’s just NTAC — or just you – drawing attention to yourself.” — Mara Keisling of NCTE in a conversation to me in August 2004

Taking back the Trans community’s voice is a must. It is more than needed, it’s urgent. The original hope was that this would hopefully serve as a catalyst to begin earnestly to re-seize our destiny and our voice.

Is it possible? Well, after seeing the response on the march in New York and how easily separable we are from our own community, it’s not likely. Far too many of us have no desire for the involvement (much less the work getting it done). The few of us with such desire for involvement or working to make things happen will be going our individual directions in things such as Pride parades. The solution to this still needs some rethinking.

We’ve got to find a way to take a Trans movement that’s dying on the vine and get it spurred in the ass into some forward motion. We have people dropping out of the movement in frustration, fatigue and dreams of wanting to have a “real life” away from being “the tranny” or “the activist” and on point constantly. I’ve even had numerous others ask me how I’m doing this still after 14 years with the obvious burn-out and the high, high cost that it’s come with. Certainly it would seem better to just admit it’s fruitless and walk away. But that only makes certain defeat.

We need to bear in mind trans history, with all our forebearers efforts ending in absolutely nothing for those who gave all. We need to recognize there’s nothing ever to gain from relinquishing our destiny to the trust of others who have no full understanding of our needs, much less the urgency. And I fully keep in mind that with no future or hope, I certainly have nothing to gain by giving in, and in fact nothing to lose (save for my life, which we all lose in the end) by anything I do. As I noted to the most recent activist stepping away asking how I continue this, I just put myself on auto-pilot – or more precisely auto-battle mode. As I had on one side, “when hope is gone, fight like Sylvia! (fiercely and to the very end!)”

In years down the road, Trans folks will realize we must re-seize our movement. Until then, I’ll just be the crazy, quixotic old tranny, screaming in the wind about our need to own our voice, our movement and our destiny. Sylvia said the same thing years ago, and nobody much listened to her while she was around either. They may not hear, but we should continue speaking truth to power and never stop screaming it.

Maybe it’s the roar of the crowd drowning us all out.

“Lift every voice and sing,
‘Til earth and heaven ring,
Ring with the harmonies of liberty.” — Lift Every Voice And Sing, James Weldon Johnson

“Ain’t no one gonna listen if you haven’t made a sound.” — Filthy Gorgeous, the Scissor Sisters

cross posted from Transpolitical